If you were a cherry tomato in a salad, how would you escape from the bowl to avoid being eaten?
- Hungry and Confused

Dear Hungry and Confused, first, I read this and I thought up a few genius things immediately, because that is what my genius mind is capable of: instant genius. Initial idea: toothpick pole vault.  Second option: celery ramp, perhaps aided by a step up from a very helpful large floret of broccoli. Third item of brilliance: in-bowl protection by a thatch of potent red onion slivers, woven together to form a shield.

At least I'm not ketchup

But then I remembered that I hate cherry tomatoes. Do you ever notice how when you bite into a cherry tomato it resembles what it would probably feel like to bite into an inflamed eyeball? Or a small animal’s testicle? Or a Gusher? If I spot a cherry tomato in my salad I have to cut it in half and scoop out the guts, because the seeds and what I can now only imagine is grape-flavored testicular eyeball pus, are squirting into my mouth with every bite. And I don’t need to tell you all that is not a pleasurable experience (except in very small social circles in France).

So, really, what you’re asking me is a trick question. But I won’t be fooled! Oh no! Not this time, chica-boom! The real, true, honest to goodness and dollars to donuts truth, is that if I were a cherry tomato, I would suffer from extreme self hatred and my morose and disgusting self would wallow in a pool of shame and Italian dressing until someone took pity on me and stabbed me with a fork.

I Can Think of Worse Ways to Die...

I keep writing into advice columnists for help. Why won’t they answer?
- Believes In Needing A Correct Answer

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Your burningest questions answered! (hint: use a soothing balm)

If I could shape-shift, should I shift into a cheetah or leopard?

Well, that all depends. Cheetahs are capable of bursts of incredible speed, but can only perform said burst once every few hours. If you were looking to use your shape shifting abilities for a purpose, like say, challenging Jackie Joyner-Kersee to a duel of swiftness, then I’d say cheetah for sure. Leopards, on the other hand, are solid hunters and a lot less fragile than their equally as bespeckled counterparts. In a head-to-head battle, a leopard could probably beat a cheetah, but only if it could catch it. Toss up!

If you are thinking of shape-shifting into a baby cheetah or leopard (is that even feasible according to the rules of Einsteinian physics?), I would go for leopard, without question. The reason being that I could then take you home and cuddle you for hours because you are the cutest thing I have ever seen.  

Just please don’t shape-shift back. I don’t know what you look like, I don’t react well to strangers and I highly doubt the miniature set of footed pajamas I plan on putting the cub in would fit you.

My boyfriend just told me he is into water sports. How should I deal with that?

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