Your burningest questions answered! (hint: use a soothing balm)
If I could shape-shift, should I shift into a cheetah or leopard?
Well, that all depends. Cheetahs are capable of bursts of incredible speed, but can only perform said burst once every few hours. If you were looking to use your shape shifting abilities for a purpose, like say, challenging Jackie Joyner-Kersee to a duel of swiftness, then I’d say cheetah for sure. Leopards, on the other hand, are solid hunters and a lot less fragile than their equally as bespeckled counterparts. In a head-to-head battle, a leopard could probably beat a cheetah, but only if it could catch it. Toss up!
If you are thinking of shape-shifting into a baby cheetah or leopard (is that even feasible according to the rules of Einsteinian physics?), I would go for leopard, without question. The reason being that I could then take you home and cuddle you for hours because you are the cutest thing I have ever seen.
Ay-Dora-Blay
Just please don’t shape-shift back. I don’t know what you look like, I don’t react well to strangers and I highly doubt the miniature set of footed pajamas I plan on putting the cub in would fit you.
My boyfriend just told me he is into water sports. How should I deal with that?
What a fine question! Dilemma! Water sports are a tricky subject. On the one hand, I applaud your boyfriend for feeling comfortable enough to express his unconventional predilection, and I give you some serious props for accepting his admission without slapping him or vomiting.
However, you are now in a bit of a sticky situation, since these things aren’t everybody’s bag. You need to gauge your own tolerance level, because as we all well know, everyone is different.
Are water sports something you think you could one day enjoy? Are they completely off the table completely? Only your heart can tell you the answer.
That said, it annoys me when advice columnist crap all over you by not answering your questions and telling you to trust yourself and rely on your best judgment. If you had common sense, you wouldn’t need to borrow mine. Without knowing what exactly he is into here is a handy list of guidelines for once you find out more information.
Skurfing, flowboarding, underwater photography, synchronized diving, waboba, lunge board, synchronized swimming, any modern pentathalon activity, water aerobics and sit-down hydrofoiling are all douchey as eff and mean you should run for the hills IMMEDIATELY. Do not stop to look back. Do not give him a good bye kiss. Ignore his flippers, insulated wet suit and encapsulated digital camera and Cut. It. Out. Dave Coulier style.
If he is into jet skiing, he will kill you in your sleep.
If he is a rower, he is on steroids and sooner or later will get into jet skiing.
If he is a canoe-ist, it is only acceptable if he is of Native American heritage. Otherwise, he masturbates to the L.L. Bean catalogue.
However, if he is into underwater rugby, he is a genius, a hero and a patriot and I want to know if he has any friends.
Why do I keep smelling bacon everywhere?
The answer to this is three-fold, and probably simpler than you think.
1) Because you are made of bacon.
2) You are made of bacon either because you have eaten so much of it and the You-Are-What-You-Eat rule really does apply, or you are Porky Pig. You can rule out the latter by asking yourself two questions:
- Are you afflicted with a severe stutter? If yes, see below. If no, see step three.
- Are you wearing pants? If no, congratulations, you are a beloved cartoon! What a fancy red bow tie, and such an excellent business-casual blue blazer! I loved your work in Porky the Rainmaker.
If you are, in fact, wearing pants please proceed to the next step.
3) Stay where you are. I will free you from your doomed and delicious existence. Look out for the woman equipped with a griddle, lettuce, tomato and nice crusty Pain Au Levain that makes the most exquisite golden toast.
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Eryn Ashley has two first names. She likes to tell people what to do. However, if she wants your opinion, she will beat it out of you.