If you were a cherry tomato in a salad, how would you escape from the bowl to avoid being eaten?
- Hungry and Confused

Dear Hungry and Confused, first, I read this and I thought up a few genius things immediately, because that is what my genius mind is capable of: instant genius. Initial idea: toothpick pole vault.  Second option: celery ramp, perhaps aided by a step up from a very helpful large floret of broccoli. Third item of brilliance: in-bowl protection by a thatch of potent red onion slivers, woven together to form a shield.

At least I'm not ketchup

But then I remembered that I hate cherry tomatoes. Do you ever notice how when you bite into a cherry tomato it resembles what it would probably feel like to bite into an inflamed eyeball? Or a small animal’s testicle? Or a Gusher? If I spot a cherry tomato in my salad I have to cut it in half and scoop out the guts, because the seeds and what I can now only imagine is grape-flavored testicular eyeball pus, are squirting into my mouth with every bite. And I don’t need to tell you all that is not a pleasurable experience (except in very small social circles in France).

So, really, what you’re asking me is a trick question. But I won’t be fooled! Oh no! Not this time, chica-boom! The real, true, honest to goodness and dollars to donuts truth, is that if I were a cherry tomato, I would suffer from extreme self hatred and my morose and disgusting self would wallow in a pool of shame and Italian dressing until someone took pity on me and stabbed me with a fork.

I Can Think of Worse Ways to Die...

I keep writing into advice columnists for help. Why won’t they answer?
- Believes In Needing A Correct Answer

Click to read more ...