People, we need to talk. As a society we've done a great many remarkable things: Thrown monkeys into outer space. Made a highly profitable industry out of managing and treating (but not curing) life-destroying maladies. Invented global communication infrastructures and complex technologies to support our need for sexting and porn.

But sometimes we fail to acknowledge when we're falling short in an area. That decline rapidly degenerates until mere anarchy is loosed on the world and then we are in a quagmire so intractable that it seems like the preferable solution is to embrace the imminent demise of our entire social fabric.

But I say nay! I will not go gentle into that good night - I will rage against the dying of the light! (I just made that up) I will stand and draw a line and say I will brook no further offenses. This is the point in history where we changed everything. This is the time in our society where we stopped the descent and made life good again. This is the time that we created universally agreed-upon standards of conduct for men's bathrooms.

Please note: these rules only apply to communal bathrooms (where-in 2 or more people can use the facilities at the same time) and only to men's bathrooms. I have no idea what goes in the ladies' room, but I assume it's a complete horrorshow - like Apocalypse Now but with linoleum.

No Talking

I know, it's cliche and hackneyed - but it's really true. No talking in the bathroom. Unless you're passing along vital information - then you don't need to communicate anything else. Everything else you have to say is completely inconsequential. Let's put it this way: if you are in a meeting at work, will you ever say "Hey Bill, remember what we were talking about in the bathroom? Well, I ran the numbers..." No, of course you won't. Communication will consist solely of acknowledging that you are both people - a head nod, awkward smile, muffled "sup?" will all suffice. Do not tell me a story, do not try to wow me with your hilarity, do not engage me when my genitals are exposed to the world at large.

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