People, we need to talk. As a society we've done a great many remarkable things: Thrown monkeys into outer space. Made a highly profitable industry out of managing and treating (but not curing) life-destroying maladies. Invented global communication infrastructures and complex technologies to support our need for sexting and porn.
But sometimes we fail to acknowledge when we're falling short in an area. That decline rapidly degenerates until mere anarchy is loosed on the world and then we are in a quagmire so intractable that it seems like the preferable solution is to embrace the imminent demise of our entire social fabric.
But I say nay! I will not go gentle into that good night - I will rage against the dying of the light! (I just made that up) I will stand and draw a line and say I will brook no further offenses. This is the point in history where we changed everything. This is the time in our society where we stopped the descent and made life good again. This is the time that we created universally agreed-upon standards of conduct for men's bathrooms.
Please note: these rules only apply to communal bathrooms (where-in 2 or more people can use the facilities at the same time) and only to men's bathrooms. I have no idea what goes in the ladies' room, but I assume it's a complete horrorshow - like Apocalypse Now but with linoleum.
No Talking
I know, it's cliche and hackneyed - but it's really true. No talking in the bathroom. Unless you're passing along vital information - then you don't need to communicate anything else. Everything else you have to say is completely inconsequential. Let's put it this way: if you are in a meeting at work, will you ever say "Hey Bill, remember what we were talking about in the bathroom? Well, I ran the numbers..." No, of course you won't. Communication will consist solely of acknowledging that you are both people - a head nod, awkward smile, muffled "sup?" will all suffice. Do not tell me a story, do not try to wow me with your hilarity, do not engage me when my genitals are exposed to the world at large.
No Talking on the Phone
Again, I'm sure there are emergency situations where you have to talk on the phone while going to the bathroom. If 24 had been good, it would've had Jack Bauer frantically yelling at whomever while going #1. But think of this: what would be the reaction of your conversation partner if you told the person "I'm talking to you while holding my junk" or "While you were talking, some poop just slid out of me?" I'm gonna guess that would be a bit of a moodkiller at best. No matter how long your bathroom session lasts, it's worth going radio silent for those few minutes devoted to such matters. The person on the other end of the phone would be more appreciative of your undivided attention than the immediacy of your call if it occurs while flexing your prostate and colon. This also goes for Bluetooth - but you shouldn't wear those anyways. It's like declaring "I'm Douche Cyborg! Bleep-blorp."
Create a Zone of Personal Space
When it can be helped...back the fuck off. I feel like this is ingrained into men's DNA like the hunter/gatherer genes and the reflex of laughing at junk shots. If possible, allow for a space of one urinal between you and any other guys. Similarly, make sure there's an empty stall in between you and the next occupant. When you are the only person in the room, do not go for the middle. Choose the furthest end and assume that everyone else is on the same page. It's important to allow for this personal space to create a sense of comfort so that a trip to the john isn't a daunting gauntlet of anxiety and apprehension.
No Excessive Noises in the Stalls
Sometimes you need to make a little noise to get the train out of the station. But what I don't get is that suddenly Monica Seles is in the adjacent stall making all sorts of grunts and gasps that would make Sisyphus roll his eyes. Seriously - keep it down. At the bathroom of one job I had, there was a guy who would make these awful noises - it was like being transported to a weightlifting competition. If you do this, ask yourself: who is this for? Is this really helping move things along? Or are you trying to some incredibly weird "alpha dog" type stuff? Keep it to yourself. Again, the satisfying sigh following a successful maneuver in the stall is accepted - but when it reaches a certain decibel level or goes on for far too long it just gets creepy and makes us all worried you're going to die on the terlet.
No Food or Drink in the "Work Areas."
Leave the drink on the sink. Leave the popcorn on the sink. Do not place it on top of the urinal, do not bring it in to the stall. We as a gender will all agree not to touch your foodstuffs. Really - this rule is for your own best interests; we aren't affected when all manner of germs commingle with your Sprite. But it's gross and makes you look like some submental primate. And, for god's sake, do not eat or drink while getting down to the task at hand. Calm down, killer - you'll eat again. Those Goobers aren't going anywhere.
Reading Material is OK.
The amount of effort to smuggle literature in and out of a location hasn't been seen since the samizdat days of Soviet Union. I get the embarrassment of announcing to all who see you that "things are about to exit my body in a natural, but foul, manner." But, as a children's book reminds us - everyone takes time-intensive dumps that would benefit from a distraction. At some point, I embraced this aspect of the bathroom process - and I gotta tell you, it is liberating. I should clarify this is only okay for literature that is yours. A newspaper, magazine, book, etc. Not TPS reports or the agenda you're going to handout at the staff meeting; that is gross and considered a hate crime in many cultures. Stop trying to be Captain Maximize and accept that a few minutes of "you" time is okay. Also, depending on what you read, it might send a positive message. Firstly, that you're literate, always a plus. Secondly, if it's something interesting, it might take away from the awkwardness. "Ugh, Bob is going to poop again, that's so...Carter Beats the Devil? I love that book! I was wrong about Bob and now view him as an excellent prospective mating partner."
Farting at the Urinal is OK
This one...this is the rule with which I wrestle. Sometimes I need to...cry havoc before I'm able to let slip the dogs of war. But it seems like no one else ever cries havoc at the urinals. What gives? And I always feel like a creep because no one else is making any sort of noise, but sometimes it's a digestive starting gun that gets me going to Flushtown. This is a selfish rule, but dammit - let me fart. Or you can just watch me awkwardly stand at the urinal until everyone leaves, then fart, then pee, then get the hell out of there feeling miserable about the whole damned thing. STOP WATCHING ME!
Handicapped Stall is OK for Non-Handicapped People to Use*
Listen - sometimes choices are limited. And despite Curb Your Enthusiasm's treatise on the subject, things have to happen. Bathroom activities are, at best, time sensitive activities. So if the other stalls are taken, go for it. Handicapped people get first dibs at the stall, and bumped up in the line should it happen. But, if you use the stall and then you encounter a previously absent handicapped person upon exiting, then a simple interaction takes place. You say: "I'm an asshole." Handicapped Person says: "Understood and accepted." And we all go about our business. There's about a 20% chance or so to find a handicapped person in the bathroom (although that number isn't exact due to various other factors like classifying disabilities, plus the number of men vs. women with handicaps, etc.), so be conscious of this fact and how hard it already is for physically challenged people in the bathroom. This rule isn't meant to enable abuse of the handicapped stall system, but instead to acknowledge that things happen and there needs to be a way to deal with it. "I'm an asshole." "Understood and accepted."
Urinals are for Peeing
Guys. GUYS. What are we doing? I have to point this out? Urine goes in a urinal. Nothing else. Not poop, food, cigarettes (how did you even get that indoors?), drink, pamphlets, religious tracts, nothing else. Maybe a urinal cake and splashguard. Maybe - but that's not your decision to make. Just pee in the urinal. That's right - IN the urinal. Not adjacent to, or nearby, or on the urinal. But directly into it. Come on, guys - let's not be the caricatures of our gender that we see in so many Jim Belushi vehicles. Pee in the urinal - all other items have receptacles already built especially for them.
Leave the Stall as You Would Like to Find It. No. You Know What? Leave the Stall How I Would Like to Find It
Do you enjoy walking in to a stall to rising pond of urine? Or seeing what looks like a pureed midget in the toilet? How about a whole garden of pubes strewn about like confetti at the worst parade in the history of ever? Of course you don't. And if you do...then there's nothing I can do for you. May God have mercy on your soul. But for everyone else, as you're about to leave the stall, look around you and think back a few minutes to that glorious moment when you entered the stall. Were you happy that the seat wasn't marked up with skid marks in some tribal pattern? Think maybe you should pay that forward? It's Golden Rule #1 when it comes to doing #2 - leave the stall in the same manner in which you would like to find it. It's not complicated. And if you left it such a mess that you don't have time to tidy up, then maybe it's time to examine your abominable life, your bathroom behavior and your violent shits that wreak havoc on everything and everyone around.
In conclusion - you're disgusting. But so is everyone. Clean up, act like a person and remember that we are all at our most vulnerable at the toilet.