As 2009 slowly fades away into another in a long series of regrettable flashbacks, we look to the future where we will all be perfect people filled with orgiastic bliss.  But how do we get from the ashen ruins of this depressing present to the promises of a glorious tomorrow?  Resolutions, my friends, resolutions.  And so I present

My Top 5 Resolutions for 2010!!!

5) Stop killing all those celebrities.  Look, I'll be the first to admit that we can always stand to trim some fat from the flock of celebrities in our society.  But even I think I went a bit overboard this year.  I'm not proud of how many famous people I sent to the grave with my ingenious (yet simplistic) methods of murder.  It's like eating a whole can of Pringles - yeah, you did it, but staring at that empty tube is more of a moment of shame than a sense of accomplishment.  But when my lethal reign of terror spread even to that sweet lady from 227 & Sesame Street, I recognized I'm going to have to curb my murderous desires.  Looks like someone caught a lucky break, Danny Bonaduce.

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