As 2009 slowly fades away into another in a long series of regrettable flashbacks, we look to the future where we will all be perfect people filled with orgiastic bliss.  But how do we get from the ashen ruins of this depressing present to the promises of a glorious tomorrow?  Resolutions, my friends, resolutions.  And so I present

My Top 5 Resolutions for 2010!!!

5) Stop killing all those celebrities.  Look, I'll be the first to admit that we can always stand to trim some fat from the flock of celebrities in our society.  But even I think I went a bit overboard this year.  I'm not proud of how many famous people I sent to the grave with my ingenious (yet simplistic) methods of murder.  It's like eating a whole can of Pringles - yeah, you did it, but staring at that empty tube is more of a moment of shame than a sense of accomplishment.  But when my lethal reign of terror spread even to that sweet lady from 227 & Sesame Street, I recognized I'm going to have to curb my murderous desires.  Looks like someone caught a lucky break, Danny Bonaduce.

4) Trademark My Catchphrase.  I just know someone else is going to start saying "I told you - I'm a sexual predator!" on some CBS sitcom or something, and I'm going to miss out on MILLIONS of dollars on merchandise alone.  Not on my watch!

3) Finally Finish My Screenplay.  I need to stop talking about it, and just do it, you know?  I think the world is clamoring for my movie, but it just doesn't know it yet.  What's it about?  Two cops have to go undercover in a retirement community to capture an old jewel thief.  Only the cops, get this, aren't old at all!  So they have to be put in special makeup and act old, although there will be moments where they break character and show how young they are.  Then one of them falls in love with a nurse...the other one probably takes too much viagra and wins shuffleboard tournaments a bit too aggressively...and the murder gets solved.  Or whatever.  See?  Gold!  I think the two cops should be either the Wayans Brothers or Kevin James and Tracy Morgan.  So, America, I hope you're ready to laugh at Early Retirement in 2011!

2) Start Smoking Again.  I used to look so cool while being the height of sophistication and hipness.  Now look at me - I look like a recently fired PA from Robot Chicken.  That's not true - I look like I was fired a long time ago.  The point is, what's the difference in my appearance?  No cigarette.  With the loss of my good friends Camel Lights and American Spirits Lights, so went my Q rating.  Well, time to smoke up, Monkey!  How else will I get Johnny FootballHero to like me?

1) Begin My Campaign to Bring Back Swan's Crossing.  It's been festering inside my soul - this longing to bring television and, in a way, America back to their golden ages.  A time when a young Sarah Michelle Gellar was some snooty lady in a sleepy little town with a ninja problem.  A time when that guy from those zit cream commercials got work in something other than Airborne.  A time when this was seen as an acceptable way to begin a TV show:

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to return to the world of Swan's Crossing!  If you're one of the pathetic few who don't know what Swan's Crossing is...then my prayers and tears are for you and your misbegotten existence you hilariously deem a "life."  From its IMDB page, Swan's Crossing was

...a short-lived half-hour serial following the lives, loves, and intrigues of twelve wealthy teenagers who stir up scandal and excitement in their small town. Among them are: Sydney Rutledge, the mayor's scheming daughter; Garrett Booth, a manipulative charmer and Sydney's blackmailing ex-boyfriend; Mila Rosnovsky, a former television star; and Neil Atwater, a young scientist who is trying to create the world's first self-propetuated rocket fuel.

Star Trek, 90210 and Melrose Place all got reboots - it's time we do the same for our greatest national treasure.