I work in a cubicle. It hurts my soul. The day is one long sigh, a dirge of defeat. But they have free coffee and vendors sometimes send us chocolate bars as bribes to keep doing things for them, so hey, VICTORY.

In order to not cry constantly, I like to think of things that don’t suck. Here are some:

1. Meat.  Meat does not suck. Unless you’re a vegetarian (and then you suck. KIDDING. Not kidding. KIDDING AGAIN). See what I did there? I talked crazy. That’s cause I’m high on meat, with all its delicious hormones and sinews and blood, and it’s not even noon yet.
   
    



2. Rube Goldberg Machines. Remember those? Marble rolls and robots and hammers hitting balls (not junk) and rods (not junk) and knocking boots (for real) that open drapes (which totally match the carpet)? Rube Goldberg was an inventor, sculptor and Pulitzer Prize winning political cartoonist who spawned a whole genre of awesome. I had to make one of these once in fourth grade and I got a check-plus on it. It still might be the highlight of my academic career. Watch a particularly cool one here:
   
   
   




3. TIGERS!!! I don’t think this one needs an explanation. My favorite part about tigers? You never know if they are going to kill you and eat you for dinner or cuddle up to you like a giant inflated house cat. You furry, fickle beasts! You be the judge:
    



4. Converting Spare Change into Cash Money. I have a husband. His name is Rob. One of the things I like about him is that he hoards very important things like pasta (I counted yesterday. 32 boxes. Ditalini for days), music (we like to JAM) and coinage. Instead of bring it to the supermarket and feed it into the money-sorting machine, which takes 40% of your dollars and gives you lame effing gift cards in return (sounds like my boss. HEYO!), I thought I’d roll those sweet metal nuggets up and see how much money we got. How much, you ask? Enough to buy a whole lot of pudding.
   
   

$240 Worth of Pudding - watch more funny videos


5. Fire Drills. They are the closest thing adults can get to recess. And it’s kind of funny to see all your antisocial unkempt coworkers come out of the doors looking like this:

Have fun storming the castle,

Eryn Ashley

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Eryn Ashley has two first names. She likes to tell people what to do. However, if she wants your opinion, she will beat it out of you.

Contact her at neuroticmonkey.com