Fisticuffs is when you tell me who would win in a knockdown, dragout, physical fight to the death between two people or groups.
The Battle of the Blands!
These two muscle bound, action oriented "actors" are both leading men - leading me into a COMA! HIYO! (Bruce Vilanch won't always be with us, people, an heir to the schtick throne must be chosen)
Mark Wahlberg started off as a...rapper? Technically? Then became a Calvin Klein model. Then an actor. Honestly, he's not terrible - he just happens to really be good only when he's playing complete morons who are oblivious to how stupid they are (Boogie Nights, Three Kings, I Heart Huckabees). Stray outside of that comfort zone though...and well...things ain't pretty. Plus he's the Executive Producer of Entourage, the tv show that was built on blowjobs, gay panic jokes and the minimalist tension of a millionaire possibly not earning millions of dollars, but ultimately earning millions of dollars. Here's every episode of Entourage except for the finale: "Vince, you got NO MONEY!" "Lloyd you're gay!" "Current Hollywood engenue whose not talented enough to get work? She blew Vince?" "I want to make this movie!" "It's not happening!" And then, for the finale, take all that other shit and add: "Well, I guess it IS happening." Also - Marky Mark was in The Happening. Nuff said.
Paul Walker started off in shitty movies. Then kept making more shitty movies. One of his shitty movies has been remade 4 times since, and only once was he not in the remake. His go-to modes are either "surfer boy" or "surfer boy that watched Goodfellas recently." Calling Paul Walker "limited" is like calling WW2 a "spot of bother." Plus he made a movie with a bunch of dogs. I'm just saying when has a movie with a bunch of dogs ever been the career move of a "winner?" But luckily morons love watching CGI cars go fast, so Walker makes serious bank from movies that rip off the entirety of Point Break. Seriously - watch Point Break and then The Fast and the Furious. It's almost literally the same movie where every time someone says surfing just saying "nitrous" or some shit. In terms of his craft, he peaked playing the complete blank of a star quarterback who gets usurped by Dawson in Varsity Blues. And even then, all he was really asked to do was be cocky, get hurt then feebly hop about while holding a clipboard. Multi-threat! I can easily bet that outside of the Walker family, no one in the history of mankind has ever said "Let's go see that Paul Walker movie." Or sure, they might be talking about the movie, but he's never quite the hook, is he?
So two guys who are essentially the same dude - average, bland, good at working out and reacting to explosions, bad at anything that takes more than 5 words. They like doing sit ups and fake punching other dudes who like to do sit ups. Each has proven the depths they are willing to stoop to unleash pure evil on the populace, through shitty remakes and even shittier TV shows. In a fight, who ya got - Wahlberg or Walker? CHOOSE!
Bonus Clip: My favorite Wahlberg moment in a movie, from the cinematic miscarriage that is Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes remake: