This is not my idea, nor is it my Immodest Proposal. It was created and presented by Joe Reid of the brilliant podcast Extra Hot Great. I am merely trying to encourage the conversation and spreading the idea around the internet so more people hear it and endorse it. I will refer to this episode throughout this post.
Nerds are a very particular bunch rife with contradictions. We like things in a specific and unique way, and yet we tend to be too meek or passive aggressive to effectively bring about change. Another group that suffers similar fate is the proper & polite: they are quiet and polite and refuse to cause a fuss or bother others - but are therefore held captive by their own passivity by rude people who crap all over decent etiquette in the smug confidence that no one will do anything. These two groups, though not mutually exclusive, have one common foe: Movie Theater Audiences.
On the cell phone, speaking loudly (or, worse yet, stage whispering) to whomever they please, Movie Theater Audiences have forgotten the simple social compact that says: "This is not your room. There are others here who are more interested in the film than your hilarious commentary consisting of 'Damn!' and 'Get some, Hulk!'"* Ironically, as our society's technology improves, making it easier to transform homes into theaters with Blu-Rays and stereo systems providing the same quality of sound and picture, our society's manners have taken a harsh nose dive - if my living room is more like a movie theater, then why shouldn't the movie theater be more like my living room? It's an awful premise that seems to be ingrained in our culture.
So what's the solution? As Joe Reid of Extra Hot Great podcast proposed: "Movie theaters should have headphone jacks just like airplanes have headphone jacks." (the clip starts at 29:30)
Co-sign on this. I co-sign on this SO HARD.
As the hosts of Extra Hot Great go on to discuss, there is no downside to this. Not only does it solve the awkward First World Problem of chatty theatergoers, shielding the sensitive, polite and/or meek cinephile from having to confront the braying jackasses - but it also creates interesting possibilities for theaters to provide unique services and develop new revenue streams.
Let's get the civil obedience stuff out of the way, especially as this story from Alamo Drafthouse has been making the rounds and met by resounding "YES":
Hence the voicemail recently received at Alamo headquarters, which features a ranting resident of the “Magnited States Of America” who was booted from an Alamo theater for—wait for it—texting during a screening. As is the wont of the chain’s co-founder and CEO Tim League, the righteous indignation of that spurned patron received the attention it deserved:
(NSFW language)
Even though the Drafthouse is looking to establish more franchises around the country, to the delight of so many nerds everywhere, the majority of movie theaters do not have a dedication to such decency. And without any real support from management, it's unlikely that the minimum wage earning teenage ushers feel comfortable confronting such d-bags. This solution allows those with a...sweeter disposition to be left alone. The others can prattle on about whatever dimly intelligent topic they so choose, but our mild-mannered nerd is oblivious and content in his isolation bubble.
Maybe these seats can be a limited number and therefore theaters can charge more for them. Or maybe they'll rent out/sell cheap noise-cancelling phones. But that's not the only way that theaters can financially benefit from this innovation.
The headphone jack allows moviegoers to:
- Listen to Audio Commentary: if you're re-releasing a movie, or extending the stay (as EHG points out), a great way to bring in a crowd is to have the filmmakers discuss the film. How they did some effect or stunt, share anecdotes about the cast, whatever.
- Change Languages: It'll be easier now more than ever to have audio tracks for various languages using the international dubs. If you're a foreigner, or ESL speaker, or whatever - now you can enjoy the movie faster without waiting for the DVD.
- Wal-Mart Style Decency: While this would really only pertain to language-driven R and PG-13 ratings, the individual audio track could be used by parents/filmgoers that prefer to not hear swearing or graphic language. Now when cutting a movie, filmmakers don't have to count the number of shits or fucks said by actors, knowing that they can dub it over for a lower rating (of course, this can work the other way with a R-rated track for films dubbed to get a lower rating).
- Rifftrax/Clever Use of Commentary: Imagine you liked Hangover II. You probably won't go back to the theater any time soon to see it again. But what if there was a track of Ed Helms, Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifianakis and Ken Jeong riffing and improvising? Or a Rifftrax soundtrack for movies that are slaughtered by critics (or not even screened for critics)? You could listen to How Did This Get Made?'s episode on Drive Angry while watching 3-D Nicholas Cage stares at fire (in 3D!).
As the podcastateers point out, there was a time when stadium seating wasn't the norm. Or surround sound stereos. There was a time when drive-ins were the way a lot of Americans saw movies. Times change - and while it may not be practical to retrofit all the old theaters, going forward it would make sense to start embracing these changes. Movie theaters need something to entice people to come out to see films instead of waiting for DVD; 3-D is more annoying than it is good. This would allow for people to enjoy the preferred customization they have at home without bundling in the suspension of manners that seems to come with it.
*Based on a true story: I saw The Incredible Hulk in theaters, woman in front of me is on her cell phone for a bit when Bruce & Betty reunite and are about to make out. She hangs up right as the making out commences and proceeds to shout: "GET SOME, HULK!" Outstanding. Outstanding.
[Sorry this was late. Was slammed with work at my real job.]