[with additional reporting by Rob Dean]
Memorial Day is almost upon us. A chance to recognize and reflect the sacrifices made by our very brave men and women in uniform. Theirs is an honorable death, giving up literally everything for what they believe is Right and worth dying for, ensuring freedom for countless numbers of people for generations.
Unfortunately - there's not a lot that's funny about that. So we went the other way with it - pleased to enjoy this list of the top ten ignoble deaths by characters in Film and TV. These are deaths that are completely devoid of anything approaching honor, class or - in some cases - logic.
10. The Lawyer on the Toilet, Jurassic Park
ACTOR: "Mom, I've got great news! I'm going to be in the biggest movie of the decade!"
MOM: "Oh that's great, honey. Are you the lead?"
ACTOR: "No, mom - nothing about me says 'leading man.' It's some Australian guy. But it's directed by Steven Spielberg!"
MOM: "Oh how lovely! Are you the villain?"
ACTOR: "No, Newman from Seinfeld is the villain. Well, him and the dinosaurs."
MOM: "Oh there's dinosaurs! Well are you the comic relief?"
ACTOR: "Kind of. I mean, Jeff Goldblum, who is also in it, has a lot of funny lines."
MOM: "Oh - so what's your character?"
ACTOR: "I die on the toilet, and it's the only death shown onscreen, but the audience is okay with me dying because I'm a lawyer."
MOM: "..."
ACTOR: "Mom - you there? Hello?"
MOM: "I'm glad your father is dead so he doesn't have to live with this shame."
Aaaaaaand Scene!
9. Blake, M*A*S*H
This scene is a mixture of the bad humor and sappy drama that defined M*A*S*H. But it's still a major character dying off screen. It's the ultimate "AND DON'T COME BACK!" and worse yet - it's delivered by Radar, played by Gary Burghoff whom you probably remember best in AfterM*A*S*H as...Radar.
8. Martin Brody's Dumb Kid, Jaws: The Revenge
This is a character who has been in every single Jaws movie and has played semi-pivotal roles in all of them. And yet he's tossed away in the first 12 minutes of this cinematic abortion, all because of a log and loud caroling. If that wasn't enough, the way he dies is particularly moronic. As best described by The B-Movie Film Vault's review of the film:
Sean, now part of the local police force, is called out on duty to remove a log that is jammed beneath a channel marker, because apparently the Coast Guard was too busy to do so. Sean grudgingly takes a boat out and attempts to remove the offending log, only to be attacked by a Great White Shark!
Rather than just pluck him off the side of the boat, the shark takes its time and slowly kills its prey, somehow allowing Sean to survive long enough to call for help while clinging to that accursed log he was sent to remove. Naturally no one hears his pleas because there is some sort of Christmas concert practice going on at the nearby pier, and he is eventually yanked under the ice cold water to his doom. Wow... ok, let me go back and summarize this scenario, in order to show you how ridiculous it is.
The shark laid a trap for Sean Brody, knowing full well that A.) he is a police officer and B.) that if the Coast Guard wasn't around that he'd have to dislodge the log from beneath the buoy. Hell, the shark may have caused an incident that kept the Coast Guard busy so that it could carry out its nefarious plan. After setting the trap, the shark waited for its victim, snuck up on him, then slowly killed its target. Cripes! It even chewed up that damned log, so in a way, it even left a calling card for the rest of Sean's family!
If you still really want to see it, you can check out the whole scene here and in terrible spanish. Watch as El Sean is eaten by el tiburon who thinks he is la comida. And with that, I've exhausted my spanish vocabulary.
7. Random Others, Lost
When you have a cast of hundreds, how do you start to whittle them down to just a couple dozen? Yep - have them walk directly into gunfire!
6. Senator Amidala, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
There's medically nothing wrong with her? She just gives up, despite having two children who would probably benefit from her love and support? I guess she just wants to be the perfect metaphor for the Star Wars fan that has given up all hope for Lucas not besmirching his beloved movies. I mean, I would say that Amidala only dies because the plot needs it - except that in Return of the Jedi, Leia remembers her mom. Also - "lost the will to live"? Dr. Ball, would you take this one please?
Thank you, Dr. Ball.
5. Dick Hallorann, The Shining
You can see the real death scene here. "Hey Kid, I'm here to help! We've devoted many minutes to me getting psychic flashes and then traveling via air and construction vehicle just to bring me back to this hotel. But now Hallorann's here and everything is going to be A-OK. Wait, who's that coming slowly at me? Oh, it's the man who I know has gone crazy. My psychic powers did not prepare me for this! Well, you're taking a while to swing that thing, but I want you to know that while I'm here I'll do my best to protect Dann-- AAGH! I'm dead."
4. Kumar, House MD
Look, I know his name is Kutner on the show and that he's played by Kal Penn. Guess what? He'll always be Kumar, just like Jason Biggs is the Eternal Pie F*cker. Sorry, folks. House dealt maturely with an actor deciding to go work for The White House and THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, by having his character inexplicably develop depression and commit suicide all off camera and before the first commercial break. House really doesn't play by the rules...of decency or logic. ZING!
3. Newt & Hicks, Alien3
I hate to say it, but Hitler's got a point.
2. Cyclops, X-Men: The Last Stand
Hey, you're asking, why is this the only post that has no visual representation? Because CYCLOPS, first student of Xavier's school, leader of the X-Men, lover of Jean Grey, DIES OFFSCREEN. Probably. Lord knows there's no sign or even a discussion about what happened to him. In fact, the closest you'll get to definitive proof? Tiny lettering on a tombstone for an empty grave built in the backyard of a school. Nailed it, Ratner!
1. Becky, Birdemic: Shock and Terror
She died as she lived - taking a shit while being watched by strangers. This slot could've gone to any of the victims in Birdemic, but the ignominy of appearing in this movie plus dying at the ends of ClipArt birds is then compounded for poor Becky - who's sent off into the sunset with sweet words from the Dumbest Man in the World. I don't know where Becky is now, but I'd like to think that where ever she may be - she's taking a shit.
What'd we miss? Any other horrible shameful deaths that seemed more like an insult than anything else? Let us know in the comments!
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Eryn Ashley has two first names. She likes to tell people what to do. However, if she wants your opinion, she will beat it out of you.